As a person that has been socialized since birth to people-please (aka a woman) I understand how difficult it is to say no when someone asks you on a date. Today I’m going to talk about turning someone down via text message/Facebook messenger/email/etc. because turning someone down in person is a much different. When you’re in person and you’re a girl being asked out by a guy you have to worry (unfortunately) about your safety so that will be a different post.
This all stems from a man asking me out via text recently who I needed to maintain a positive relationship with for professional reasons. I think this comes up a lot when you’re asked out by a work colleague or a Starbucks barista or friend of a friend that you’re going to run into a lot and it gets tricky. If you give a creepy stranger your phone number so he will leave you alone you have my permission to never respond to him ever and block him if he harasses you. Same goes for a guy on a dating website who you have barely chatted with- no response necessary. Another twist comes when you’re not sure if someone is asking you on a date and you don’t want to presume they are and be incorrect because that’s awkward. For example, a single work colleague of your preferred sex texting you “Hey want to grab drinks?” Here’s how to handle it if the answer is “No.”: Continue reading “How To Say No To a Date”
When I first heard about the concept of Grouper I was intrigued, but instantly was turned off by it. Grouper is a social club that sets up drinks between 2 groups of friends: 3 guys and 3 girls. I immediately thought, but what if the guy I like likes one of my friends? That always sucks when that happens! You also get no choice as to who you are set up with so it’s a totally blind group date (except you know what your 2 friends look like because you invite them). You also have to pay for Grouper and I have never used a dating site I had to pay for. Grouper costs $20 per person plus a 10% tip for your server which covers their introduction and concierge service and a free first round of drinks at the bar they select for you (the concierge part).
Grouper is actually not claiming to be setting you up on a date and people who sign up don’t have to be single (but God would I be annoyed to go out with a group of guys who were all in relationships wtf). They are planning a night for you with the perfect girl to guy ratio and giving you ideas on how to make it fun. These ideas include preparing “two truths and a lie” before the date for a fun discussion or playing the iPhone game “Phrase Party”. I will say that going on a Grouper definitely takes a lot of the pressure off of the conversations you’re having and you feel less like you’re on a job interview and more like you’re hanging out with friends which is nice. Going out with friends also forces you to be a more authentic version of yourself because your friends might call your ass out or tell the embarrassing stories you might have tried to avoid which does help you get to know each other much faster. It also forces you to actually make a plan instead of getting stuck in chatting or messaging back and forth purgatory.
One of the many trends that turn me off of someone’s Tinder (or Okcupid) profile is when they post something like “don’t worry I won’t tell anyone how we met it can be our secret ;)” or “we can tell everyone we met at IHOP”. Ok, thanks bro. I am truly not interested in anyone who is ashamed to be online dating. Are you better than Martha Stewart at thinking of good ways to do things? No? Well she online dated and if she’s not too good for it neither are you 27 year old guy who “has a real job, not in the BIZ” with pictures of you surfing and with your boys at da club in Vegas and a car selfie with sunglasses on. You can be good looking, charming, successful, and still want to try online dating. The guys that say these things never seem SO good looking and SO successful and SO amazing that no one would EVER believe they’re looking for love on the internet either. The other part that annoys me is they’re throwing shade at me by saying these things. They mean it as a cute little compliment, but the underlying thing they’re saying is oh how could I bring myself to this low point and actually send my computer signal to space to try to find a man?? #shadyboots
The other ways guys (I guess there’s probably girls out there that do this too) let their shame flags wave high is not having a profile picture. It really cracks me up when they try to give reasons why they couldn’t possibly put their pictures up. “I’m in med school I’m not allowed.” Really? Why are there like 20,000 other med students on dating websites showing their faces? “I don’t want people at work to find me” Jesus Christ please get over yourself. If you are that powerful and important you would post yourself online with pride realizing that no one is going to say shit about it. Same thing goes for writing in your profile “wow I never thought I’d be online dating I can’t believe I’m on here”. Girls want a strong man that will stand behind their actions. They also want someone with enough humility to realize that doing something like dating online does not even matter in the slightest in the grand scheme of life. Check your ego little Kanye. When everyone on Earth says they’re looking for someone who is confident, this is not what they mean.
What do you think? Do you have a theory as to why people are still ashamed to date online in 2014?
One thing about online dating that can be frustrating is finding people who actually want to go on a date! There’s only so many “Happy Hump Day!” messages one can get before becoming cynical. There are plenty of time wasters out there (both male and female) and if you want a pen pal they will chat with you about nothing at all for ages. If you want an actual date here are a few of my tips:
1. Guys: Don’t ask right away!! There is about 0 personal info on Tinder so if you ask right away you are saying that you don’t really care what the two of you have in common or if you click, you just want to see if you are physically attracted to them right away in person or if you will “feel chemistry”. Asking right away is a huge turn-off for me because it’s almost like the guy is playing a numbers game and just trying to go on as many dates as possible. You should spend at least a few minutes going back and forth in a conversation first before deciding if you want to ask them out! Guys who do this also tend to blame the girls on Tinder saying that none of them actually want to go on a real date, when in reality they are pushing all the girls away with their eager and non-discriminating approach to asking girls out. On a deeper level this makes me wary that a guy is going to objectify me. I’ve had plenty of seemingly nice, normal guys objectify me while dating. They constantly bring up aspects of this image of me that they want me to be (in very subtle ways) vs. actually getting to know the person I really am. I think I can and will write an entire post about this!
2. After you’ve had a little back and forth banter, know what the person does for fun, if they live in a geographically desirable location relative to you (I think this is pretty key in LA), what they spend most of their time doing, and have a glimpse of their personality, bring it up! I’m old fashioned when it comes to this and I almost never ask guys out. I will, however, ask them if they’ve ever gone out with any girls on Tinder, what they think about online dating, talk about my interest in going out on a real actual date and spending time together, etc. This is the time for them to take the hint and ask you out. If they do not after a 2-3 days, or if a girl gives you a weird excuse and then won’t commit to a different plan, or if the person becomes a ghost then we come to our next tip:
3. Know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em! There are plenty of people on Tinder who like the idea of dating new people, but who aren’t actually open to it right now (like me)! These people have good intentions and are hoping that they’re going to find someone who interests them enough to bring them back into the dating world, but are not all in yet. If you feel like you have taken the time to get to know someone, have some things in common, seem romantically interested in eachother/are flirting and the guy doesn’t ask you out in under a week- move on! Block him/unmatch him if you have to. If they say they want to “grab drinks” or “hang out this weekend” and then fail to make a real plan, move on! Listen to Jay-Z “On to the Next One” and keep it moving. There are plenty of other great guys and girls out there and even though you think you may have found your perfect Tinderella, if they do not want to meet up then it is impossible for you to have a real relationship. Let go of your fantasy and find a real life human being who you can actually kiss!
Ah one of my least favorite date invitations right behind “When are we gonna hang out?” And “Let’s go (insert sporty or outdoor activity that involves me sweating) as one of our first dates!” Now this invitation may seem innocuous enough especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, but let me explain why I don’t like it: Continue reading “No, I Don’t Want to Grab a Drink”
What to write in that little blurb? Here’s some things to consider not writing:
1. “The baby in the picture is NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M A PROUD UNCLE OK STOP ASKING!!!!” – Woah calm down.
2. “I guess everyone is putting their heights? That’s like a thing? So here’s mine 5’5” – The reason why you need to put your height is because when you’re crouching down to pet a tiger or taking a shirtless bathroom selfie I can’t really get a gauge as to how tall you are/how much I’ll potentially be towering over you. As much fun as it is to try to figure out how many Axe body sprays tall you might be from the bathroom pic and convert that, I’d rather you take the detective work out of it and just tell me.
3. Ok those are all the tips you get because if you’re inspired to go on and on about how great you are or how much money you have or how much you hate sluts PLEASE do so we all know which way to swipe.
This was a real conversation I had with someone several months ago…
Tip#1 Have some self-awareness. If this dude replied and said he was referencing the Jeopardy skit from SNL that would have been one thing. If you’re a grown up you can be silly, but avoid anything too immature (i.e. 420, 69, Barbie, sexy etc.)
Tip#2 Don’t use the same username that you use for other non-dating websites! This was a big mistake that I made and some guy messaged me and let me know that if you google it, a lot of personal info comes up. Think: your youtube history, those comments you left on a grad school forum, your gamer profile, etc.
Tip#3 If you’re totally out of ideas just go for something simple like your first name and some numbers. Or a gender neutral hobby (I would never make one like “MakeupGirl” because no dude is interested in that).
Tinder is great I met one of my boy BFFs there and dated a couple of other Tinder matches. It IS possible to get a relationship out of Tinder if that’s what you’re looking for. These are a couple Tinder tips if you’re looking for more than just a hook-up. If you’re just using Tinder for entertainment then you just keep doin you boo.
1. Your first meeting shouldn’t be you going over his place to “hang out” I don’t care what movie/liquor/video game he has to lure you in with he has to get off his ass and take you somewhere public for your first date. Continue reading “Tinder Tips”
Everyone loves to complain about LA traffic. Before I moved that’s what people would want to talk about “you’re moving to LA? I couldn’t handle that much traffic I’d go crazy!” In situations like this I always try to expect the worst so if traffic is anything less than soul sucking and completely insane I’ll feel pleasantly surprised. Another way I combat traffic is by listening to good podcasts. A podcast is like your favorite talk radio show that you can customize to your interests that updates weekly straight to your phone. Here are my top 5 favorite on dating, relationships, and sex.
“Dan Savage, America’s only advice columnist, answers your sex questions and yaps about politics.” This podcast is definitely sex-talk heavy, graphic, and NSFW, but it is awesome. Dan Savage keeps it real and has honestly opened my mind and changed my views on stuff like the realities of long term monogamy, being more sex positive (or GGG), and “a relationship is not a deposition.”