Tis the season… to get into a relationship? Cuffing season is here where single people (hand)”cuff” themselves to a partner so they don’t have to brave the winter (and holiday gatherings) all alone.
What is Cuffing Season?
“Cuffing Season” is the time of year beginning mid-Septemberish when summer has come to an end and single people start looking for relationships. Cuffing season happens because it’s dark and cold and single people don’t want to be the only one without a partner for Thanksgiving/Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years. People who normally are comfortable casually dating more than one person at a time are too tired and cold to put in the effort. They want to find a partner they can stay cozy and warm together inside. They also don’t want to have the annual conversation with their parents about why they aren’t married yet.
When is Cuffing Season?
Cuffing season begins during the fall and really heats up near Halloween. Starting to date at Halloween is the perfect amount of time to be dating for it to not be awkward to spend the holidays together. Halloween also coincides with daylight savings time which is another incentive to cuff. Plus for girls who were dieting for Halloween this may be their peak body time and they’d really like to put on a sweater, get a boyfriend, and start eating again.
Are you dating someone who is acting like they have zero clue that Valentine’s Day is this weekend? Maybe you’ve only been on a handful of dates and aren’t exclusive yet so you feel like you’re in an awkward limbo state where you don’t know if it’s too early to mention the “V” word. Here’s some excuses you might have told yourself or some well intentioned friends and family members might have hypothesized: Continue reading →
I have learned a whole lot about dating in the past few years and now I want to pass along some of that knowledge. What exactly is a “Future Faker” you ask?
Ever meet a guy that seems too good to be true? They’re super into you and go on and on about all of the fabulous things the two of you are going to do in the coming days, months, years, etc.? On the extreme end they may even talk about your wedding, marriage, or future children within the first few dates.
You may think “Finally! I’ve met someone who I’m super into and here they want to spend time together and do all of these awesome things with me!” Ever wonder what it means when a man like that then disappears and you never do any of the stuff they mention? Welp, gather round children and listen closely to this cautionary tale: Continue reading →
The NY Times article “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” has been making the rounds on social media with the “Do This” referring to asking each other increasingly deeper more personal questions and then staring into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. It’s based on a psychology study where researchers were trying to come up with a closeness-generating paradigm. Here’s a list of the questions (from here):
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
I asked my girlfriends to tell me the worst gift a guy has ever gotten them and the answers were hilarious. Here I separate them by category for you so you know what not to buy the ladies in your life this holiday season:
1. No gift at all– This was the #1 response, no bueno! Don’t do that thing where you act like the holidays don’t exist either that shit’s not cute.
2. Gifts that are a little TOO creative– One girl was given a painting of herself worth several thousand; a shoddily homemade Starbucks drink sleeve; M&Ms custom made with the couples’ face on them
3. Self help she didn’t ask for– Dietary supplements for working out/protein powder; your mom’s cookbook; a 3 month membership to Equinox that implied a) she needed to workout b) he was cheap and c) they would be together for 3 months Continue reading →
In honor of Yom Kippur this past weekend I decided to have my own Day of Atonement by writing out some of my dating and relationship sins from the past year.
1. Saying I’m interested in going on another date when I know I don’t really mean it. Eek sorry guys. Sometimes when I say it I really do believe it and change my mind later, sometimes I say it hoping I can force myself to believe it, and sometimes I say it just to be polite even though I’m probably hurting your feelings more long-term.
2. Not letting go of the past. Ok this isn’t really a sin just a behavior that affects me negatively. I just try to keep reminding myself that that person I used to date who was really into me and who I had a great connection with does not exist. I cannot pick up where I left off with them because they are not the person who I make them up to be in my mind.
3. Comparing myself and my relationship to others. This one is tough because I didn’t have a great relationship model growing up and therefore I’m always guessing at what’s normal. Instead of wondering if I’m measuring up to my friends and peers I really need to listen to myself and how I feel about my dating situation. Comparison is the enemy of contentment after all.
4. Putting on my best version of myself mask for dates. Yes we all want to make a good first impression and be our best selves when looking for a significant other, but it’s important not to over-do it. I’ve realized that if you try to project your most “perfect” version of yourself in the beginning it’s impossible to maintain forever so eventually your real self comes out. When that happens the person you’re dating thinks “who the hell is this? This is not what I signed up for.” and ends the relationship which can feel like they’re validating your perfectionist method.
5. Trolling. This naughty little habit isn’t very nice, but I am now off the dating websites so don’t worry single dudes I’m not comin’ for you. I’m sorry guy who kept drunk messaging me on OkCupid that instead of giving you my phone number when you asked I gave you the number for Promises rehab. You’re just looking for love or a codependent relationship and I should have just let you live your life. Also, sorry to these dudes: Continue reading →
I really like the 5 Love Languages which is a book that talks about how we all wish to receive love in different ways (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch) and that is the way that we are also most likely to show our love. The problem is when you and your partner don’t have the same primary love language and you’re doing all of these things for them in your favorite love language and you don’t feel appreciated because they still don’t seem fulfilled. For example you could be making them breakfast everyday, taking out the trash, running errands for them and they’re still complaining that you never want to spend time with them. You think you’re showing your love doing all of these acts of service, but what this person really craves is for you to be spending quality time with them.
One love language that’s hard for some people to learn is Words of Affirmation. It’s easy enough to compliment someone with a “you look nice”, but if they are constantly flooding you with compliments and you’re not used to saying so many yourself it can feel uncomfortable when there’s that pause after they finish and it’s your turn and you just say “…thanks…” This is especially true if you grew up with a family that didn’t constantly give Words of Affirmation so you feel lost as to what this person wants you to say and very awkward and forced when trying to do it yourself. I think that giving compliments or words of affirmation is a muscle that you can strengthen through practice. Yes it will feel a bit forced at the beginning, but the “forced” part should be saying how you truly feel so it should not feel fake or inauthentic just a little uncomfortable as you get used to something new. Even I don’t always feel comfortable saying how I feel so I understand your pain.
Here are some examples on how to mix it up in the compliments department: Continue reading →
A friend came to me this week with a question. He has been dating a great girl for 2 months and recently she confessed to him that she had to de-friend him on Facebook because he had so many pictures of his (recent) ex-girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend was so beautiful it was making her feel insecure. He assured her that the ex is in the past, he’s with her because he wants to be with her and she has nothing to worry about.
My 2 cents: I told him that while it’s not an ideal scenario at least she told him how she was honestly feeling instead of keeping it inside and acting weird in other situations where he would have no clue what was wrong (which the majority of girls would do in my opinion). I told him if it’s in the past and he doesn’t care, just delete the pictures! Save them in a hidden folder if you want the memories down the road, but for now take them off Facebook. If this relationship doesn’t work out because of this or for any other reason it’s not going to help him in future relationships to have tons of pictures of his ex on Facebook anyway. This is a time when they are trying to build trust and if he really doesn’t care he should be more flexible and more sensitive to her feelings.
I’ve been informally polling my friends on their thoughts on this and another said that this is a red flag and that you should be cautious dating someone this insecure and jealous. They said that they have pictures up of their exes and it’s just memories of the past and they are friends with their exes now so it would be weird if they took all the pictures down. I kind of think it’s a minor flaw in the grand scheme of things if the person is great in many other ways. Most of my girl friends say they do snoop Facebook to look at exes out of curiosity and while sometimes they feel insecure if they’re particularly beautiful, overall it just satisfies that curiosity and allows you a glimpse into your partners past without interrogating them or seeming too interested. Some even go as far as looking at exgirlfriend’s friends to see more pictures of said ex-girlfriend.
While scrolling through my own pictures I realized that I have pictures with a few exes, but they are buried within tons of selfies and pictures with friends and it’s hard to tell whether I’m standing next to a male friend or an ex. When I scrolled through the pictures my guy friend who had this issue in the first place’s pictures I realized that he had 70+ of this ex (they had dated for a few years) with him, with groups of friends, just by herself, etc. in his “Photos” aka no digging through old albums because he was tagged in all of these. Thinking back though, this guy showed me lots of photos in real albums of him as a kid and growing up the very first time I met him so maybe he is just a very sentimental person who likes to hold onto visual memories in the form of pictures?
Most importantly, he and I want to know what you think!! After a break-up do you delete pictures of exes? Untag? If you’re dating someone new and they made a comment would you delete the pictures of your ex? Would you think they were insane or it was a red flag that they were asking? Does it depend on if you really like the person a whole bunch vs. you’re not too sure about them? Please comment and let us know!!!
My best friend is obsessed with psychics. Recently she bestowed upon me the most LA invitation of all time- would I like to come to a psychic healing a cocktails event that will be at the 9200 Sunset building (the same building that is the location to celeb hot spots Boa and Soho House) and it will be filmed for an upcoming reality show. It sounded like fun so I was in. Before going I did a quick search online of the psychic Jusstine Kenzer and found that she had a 5 star rating on Yelp (which I regard very highly) with 62 reviews. I was impressed. I arrived to the event super early and while I was waiting for security to clear me up to the floor of the event, I’m pretty sure I saw Gerard Butler. It was either him or some other tall, handsome looking alcoholic. They buzzed me up and I was one of the first of about 40 well dressed pretty young girls who attended this event (with about 5 miscellaneous dudes). We took our seats and Jusstine announced that she would be both answering questions about what it’s like to be a psychic and how she gets her abilities as well as our personal questions about our future.
She began by taking the questions about being a psychic which I found interesting. She basically said her dad had some pseudo-psychic abilities that he kind of practiced with her growing up (i.e. he used to guess his customers played the piano, etc.). She then said in her 20s she moved into an extremely haunted house in the Haight Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco. She said she used to hear things banging around in the kitchen and wake up to all the pots and pans being lined up…creepy. Once she moved out of that place she visited a psychic to make sure that all of the spirits weren’t following her. She also has a thing against gypsy psychics and psychics that have neon signs which I guess stems from a long standing beef/turf war, I’m not really sure. All she said was that a gypsy took her for a bunch of money and then she somehow got the money back, but sadly she did not elaborate as to how this might have happened. She mentioned that she started out doing readings at a Halloween Horror Nights-esque event and the first people that came in for readings were gypsies who tried to trick her by asking about their dead friend as if they were alive. Jusstine immediately knew their friend was dead and viola the gypsies knew she was the real deal. She also said that she had the feeling that she had the gift for a long time before finally giving in and doing readings full-time. She said she can turn on and off the ability so it doesn’t just pop up when she’s on a date with someone new. She described it as her spirit guide connecting with whoever she’s reading’s spirit guide and they talk and she is given the info to pass along.
The way Jusstine spoke made me think she was really part-psychic part-therapist. This makes sense because according to her Yelp she is both a psychic and a Life Coach. She said an interesting bit about how when she gives readings that have bad or that have potentially bad parts in them she hopes that she is wrong, or that the person needed to hear that info in order to change the path they are on to avoid the problem. She talked a lot about connecting with your spirituality or higher power in order to clear out the bad things from the past and move on in the future. She also talked about how our past lives influence our current one just like how our past/our childhood affects us constantly in our choices. She had previously told my BFF in a private reading that the two of us (my BFF and I) met in a past life as vaudevillian circus performers. We had a lot of fun guessing which one of us was probably the bearded lady.
So people start asking their questions and this is LA so everyone is wondering about the future of their career. Lots of producers and actors asking which path they should take. My best friend begged me to ask about my love life so I gave in and jumped in line for my quick little reading. I asked Jusstine “what do you see in the future for my love life?” and she asked if I was seeing anyone right now or had questions about a specific person right now which I answered (truthfully) “no”. She then said I’m blocked right now and not in a good place to go out and meet someone because like attracts like so I will end up with someone else who is also emotionally unavailable. This made total sense to me and I agreed I do feel somewhat blocked especially after having this bad experience. This is also another way that I felt like she was similar to a therapist. She went on to say that I’m also having some kind of issues with my dad that are influencing my dating life. While I have plenty of issues, I wouldn’t include “daddy issues” in my own personal top 10 at least. I have a pretty solid relationship with my dad, but it’s not perfect. I wasn’t sure exactly what this meant, but I couldn’t rule it out completely as false or incorrect. She also told me that she sees me taking a more serious relationship step when I’m 32. She didn’t say if that meant I would get engaged or married at 32, but it kind of seemed like it was something in that ballpark. That also makes sense because I just turned 28 so it’s unlikely that I will be getting engaged or married before I’m 32. Overall I enjoyed my reading.
Another guy asked a question about his love life and mentioned Jusstine’s CD “Heal Your Relationship Space” and how it really helped him. Jusstine explained that people are always telling us we have to clear out the old bad stuff in order to newer and better things, but they never quite explain how exactly to do that and that is what this CD is all about. I was totally interested because I agree I have no clue how to clear out my past issues and move on, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to buy the CD that night. I might download it and if so I’ll let you all know how it is. You can learn more about the CD or download it instantly for $25 here. I’m a total sucker for self help.
What do you think about my reading? Has a psychic ever told you something about your love life that came true?
Ah one of my least favorite date invitations right behind “When are we gonna hang out?” And “Let’s go (insert sporty or outdoor activity that involves me sweating) as one of our first dates!” Now this invitation may seem innocuous enough especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, but let me explain why I don’t like it: Continue reading →