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I was rushing to get ready for my date and throwing a few things in my clutch. “Shit” I thought in a panic, where had I put my ID? There’s no way I can go on this dinner date without having at least 2 glasses of wine. The first date was bad enough, but I wanted to give this guy a second chance in case he was just nervous… I find my ID and he calls to let me know that he is downstairs to pick me up.
I get in the car and put on a smile and say hello. I’m greeted with a blue Tiffany & Co. box pushed in my face. “Open it! Open it!” he insists “I couldn’t wait to give it to you!” The panic strikes again. “Umm you didn’t have to do this it’s WAY too much. I can’t accept this” I plead, but he makes me open it.
I slowly take the box and the analytical lady in me notices that a) there’s no white ribbon and b) it’s not in a gift bag. I open the box and it’s a sterling silver charm bracelet. It’s the kind that was very popular 15 years ago that was THE item to have in middle and high school. “Thank you, but this is way too much I can’t accept this” I say as I try to hand it back to him. He takes it and puts it on my wrist and I know that this fight is futile so I say thank you and smile for real this time because this is so crazy that I find it amusing.
The gifted…or re-gifted Tiffany & Co. Charm Bracelet
I met this guy while walking to my car on a day that I was feeling particularly optimistic and open to something new. I was coming off of my break from dating online and I knew I needed some practice being friendly and open to dating someone.
When I met him he said to me in a sing-song-ey way “My head’s in New York, but my heart’s in LA. The weather is good and the traffic is bad.” and other canned sayings he had obviously said a million times. We all have those so it was no big deal. Then he came to pick me up and he repeated that saying again almost immediately and verbatium “My head’s in NY, but my heart’s in LA. The weather is good and the traffic is bad.” He had a million of these it was like he was speaking in bumper stickers. He was talking the entire time, but never actually SAID anything.
He barely asked me anything more than shallow questions about myself and didn’t ask any follow-up questions. For example when I told him I had a DATING and beauty blog he didn’t ask what it was called or if I was going to write about him. He probably wasn’t even listening.
As a person that has been socialized since birth to people-please (aka a woman) I understand how difficult it is to say no when someone asks you on a date. Today I’m going to talk about turning someone down via text message/Facebook messenger/email/etc. because turning someone down in person is a much different. When you’re in person and you’re a girl being asked out by a guy you have to worry (unfortunately) about your safety so that will be a different post.
This all stems from a man asking me out via text recently who I needed to maintain a positive relationship with for professional reasons. I think this comes up a lot when you’re asked out by a work colleague or a Starbucks barista or friend of a friend that you’re going to run into a lot and it gets tricky. If you give a creepy stranger your phone number so he will leave you alone you have my permission to never respond to him ever and block him if he harasses you. Same goes for a guy on a dating website who you have barely chatted with- no response necessary. Another twist comes when you’re not sure if someone is asking you on a date and you don’t want to presume they are and be incorrect because that’s awkward. For example, a single work colleague of your preferred sex texting you “Hey want to grab drinks?” Here’s how to handle it if the answer is “No.”: Continue reading →
In honor of Yom Kippur this past weekend I decided to have my own Day of Atonement by writing out some of my dating and relationship sins from the past year.
1. Saying I’m interested in going on another date when I know I don’t really mean it. Eek sorry guys. Sometimes when I say it I really do believe it and change my mind later, sometimes I say it hoping I can force myself to believe it, and sometimes I say it just to be polite even though I’m probably hurting your feelings more long-term.
2. Not letting go of the past. Ok this isn’t really a sin just a behavior that affects me negatively. I just try to keep reminding myself that that person I used to date who was really into me and who I had a great connection with does not exist. I cannot pick up where I left off with them because they are not the person who I make them up to be in my mind.
3. Comparing myself and my relationship to others. This one is tough because I didn’t have a great relationship model growing up and therefore I’m always guessing at what’s normal. Instead of wondering if I’m measuring up to my friends and peers I really need to listen to myself and how I feel about my dating situation. Comparison is the enemy of contentment after all.
4. Putting on my best version of myself mask for dates. Yes we all want to make a good first impression and be our best selves when looking for a significant other, but it’s important not to over-do it. I’ve realized that if you try to project your most “perfect” version of yourself in the beginning it’s impossible to maintain forever so eventually your real self comes out. When that happens the person you’re dating thinks “who the hell is this? This is not what I signed up for.” and ends the relationship which can feel like they’re validating your perfectionist method.
5. Trolling. This naughty little habit isn’t very nice, but I am now off the dating websites so don’t worry single dudes I’m not comin’ for you. I’m sorry guy who kept drunk messaging me on OkCupid that instead of giving you my phone number when you asked I gave you the number for Promises rehab. You’re just looking for love or a codependent relationship and I should have just let you live your life. Also, sorry to these dudes: Continue reading →
I really like the 5 Love Languages which is a book that talks about how we all wish to receive love in different ways (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch) and that is the way that we are also most likely to show our love. The problem is when you and your partner don’t have the same primary love language and you’re doing all of these things for them in your favorite love language and you don’t feel appreciated because they still don’t seem fulfilled. For example you could be making them breakfast everyday, taking out the trash, running errands for them and they’re still complaining that you never want to spend time with them. You think you’re showing your love doing all of these acts of service, but what this person really craves is for you to be spending quality time with them.
One love language that’s hard for some people to learn is Words of Affirmation. It’s easy enough to compliment someone with a “you look nice”, but if they are constantly flooding you with compliments and you’re not used to saying so many yourself it can feel uncomfortable when there’s that pause after they finish and it’s your turn and you just say “…thanks…” This is especially true if you grew up with a family that didn’t constantly give Words of Affirmation so you feel lost as to what this person wants you to say and very awkward and forced when trying to do it yourself. I think that giving compliments or words of affirmation is a muscle that you can strengthen through practice. Yes it will feel a bit forced at the beginning, but the “forced” part should be saying how you truly feel so it should not feel fake or inauthentic just a little uncomfortable as you get used to something new. Even I don’t always feel comfortable saying how I feel so I understand your pain.
Here are some examples on how to mix it up in the compliments department: Continue reading →
A friend came to me this week with a question. He has been dating a great girl for 2 months and recently she confessed to him that she had to de-friend him on Facebook because he had so many pictures of his (recent) ex-girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend was so beautiful it was making her feel insecure. He assured her that the ex is in the past, he’s with her because he wants to be with her and she has nothing to worry about.
My 2 cents: I told him that while it’s not an ideal scenario at least she told him how she was honestly feeling instead of keeping it inside and acting weird in other situations where he would have no clue what was wrong (which the majority of girls would do in my opinion). I told him if it’s in the past and he doesn’t care, just delete the pictures! Save them in a hidden folder if you want the memories down the road, but for now take them off Facebook. If this relationship doesn’t work out because of this or for any other reason it’s not going to help him in future relationships to have tons of pictures of his ex on Facebook anyway. This is a time when they are trying to build trust and if he really doesn’t care he should be more flexible and more sensitive to her feelings.
I’ve been informally polling my friends on their thoughts on this and another said that this is a red flag and that you should be cautious dating someone this insecure and jealous. They said that they have pictures up of their exes and it’s just memories of the past and they are friends with their exes now so it would be weird if they took all the pictures down. I kind of think it’s a minor flaw in the grand scheme of things if the person is great in many other ways. Most of my girl friends say they do snoop Facebook to look at exes out of curiosity and while sometimes they feel insecure if they’re particularly beautiful, overall it just satisfies that curiosity and allows you a glimpse into your partners past without interrogating them or seeming too interested. Some even go as far as looking at exgirlfriend’s friends to see more pictures of said ex-girlfriend.
While scrolling through my own pictures I realized that I have pictures with a few exes, but they are buried within tons of selfies and pictures with friends and it’s hard to tell whether I’m standing next to a male friend or an ex. When I scrolled through the pictures my guy friend who had this issue in the first place’s pictures I realized that he had 70+ of this ex (they had dated for a few years) with him, with groups of friends, just by herself, etc. in his “Photos” aka no digging through old albums because he was tagged in all of these. Thinking back though, this guy showed me lots of photos in real albums of him as a kid and growing up the very first time I met him so maybe he is just a very sentimental person who likes to hold onto visual memories in the form of pictures?
Most importantly, he and I want to know what you think!! After a break-up do you delete pictures of exes? Untag? If you’re dating someone new and they made a comment would you delete the pictures of your ex? Would you think they were insane or it was a red flag that they were asking? Does it depend on if you really like the person a whole bunch vs. you’re not too sure about them? Please comment and let us know!!!
My best friend is obsessed with psychics. Recently she bestowed upon me the most LA invitation of all time- would I like to come to a psychic healing a cocktails event that will be at the 9200 Sunset building (the same building that is the location to celeb hot spots Boa and Soho House) and it will be filmed for an upcoming reality show. It sounded like fun so I was in. Before going I did a quick search online of the psychic Jusstine Kenzer and found that she had a 5 star rating on Yelp (which I regard very highly) with 62 reviews. I was impressed. I arrived to the event super early and while I was waiting for security to clear me up to the floor of the event, I’m pretty sure I saw Gerard Butler. It was either him or some other tall, handsome looking alcoholic. They buzzed me up and I was one of the first of about 40 well dressed pretty young girls who attended this event (with about 5 miscellaneous dudes). We took our seats and Jusstine announced that she would be both answering questions about what it’s like to be a psychic and how she gets her abilities as well as our personal questions about our future.
She began by taking the questions about being a psychic which I found interesting. She basically said her dad had some pseudo-psychic abilities that he kind of practiced with her growing up (i.e. he used to guess his customers played the piano, etc.). She then said in her 20s she moved into an extremely haunted house in the Haight Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco. She said she used to hear things banging around in the kitchen and wake up to all the pots and pans being lined up…creepy. Once she moved out of that place she visited a psychic to make sure that all of the spirits weren’t following her. She also has a thing against gypsy psychics and psychics that have neon signs which I guess stems from a long standing beef/turf war, I’m not really sure. All she said was that a gypsy took her for a bunch of money and then she somehow got the money back, but sadly she did not elaborate as to how this might have happened. She mentioned that she started out doing readings at a Halloween Horror Nights-esque event and the first people that came in for readings were gypsies who tried to trick her by asking about their dead friend as if they were alive. Jusstine immediately knew their friend was dead and viola the gypsies knew she was the real deal. She also said that she had the feeling that she had the gift for a long time before finally giving in and doing readings full-time. She said she can turn on and off the ability so it doesn’t just pop up when she’s on a date with someone new. She described it as her spirit guide connecting with whoever she’s reading’s spirit guide and they talk and she is given the info to pass along.
The way Jusstine spoke made me think she was really part-psychic part-therapist. This makes sense because according to her Yelp she is both a psychic and a Life Coach. She said an interesting bit about how when she gives readings that have bad or that have potentially bad parts in them she hopes that she is wrong, or that the person needed to hear that info in order to change the path they are on to avoid the problem. She talked a lot about connecting with your spirituality or higher power in order to clear out the bad things from the past and move on in the future. She also talked about how our past lives influence our current one just like how our past/our childhood affects us constantly in our choices. She had previously told my BFF in a private reading that the two of us (my BFF and I) met in a past life as vaudevillian circus performers. We had a lot of fun guessing which one of us was probably the bearded lady.
So people start asking their questions and this is LA so everyone is wondering about the future of their career. Lots of producers and actors asking which path they should take. My best friend begged me to ask about my love life so I gave in and jumped in line for my quick little reading. I asked Jusstine “what do you see in the future for my love life?” and she asked if I was seeing anyone right now or had questions about a specific person right now which I answered (truthfully) “no”. She then said I’m blocked right now and not in a good place to go out and meet someone because like attracts like so I will end up with someone else who is also emotionally unavailable. This made total sense to me and I agreed I do feel somewhat blocked especially after having this bad experience. This is also another way that I felt like she was similar to a therapist. She went on to say that I’m also having some kind of issues with my dad that are influencing my dating life. While I have plenty of issues, I wouldn’t include “daddy issues” in my own personal top 10 at least. I have a pretty solid relationship with my dad, but it’s not perfect. I wasn’t sure exactly what this meant, but I couldn’t rule it out completely as false or incorrect. She also told me that she sees me taking a more serious relationship step when I’m 32. She didn’t say if that meant I would get engaged or married at 32, but it kind of seemed like it was something in that ballpark. That also makes sense because I just turned 28 so it’s unlikely that I will be getting engaged or married before I’m 32. Overall I enjoyed my reading.
Another guy asked a question about his love life and mentioned Jusstine’s CD “Heal Your Relationship Space” and how it really helped him. Jusstine explained that people are always telling us we have to clear out the old bad stuff in order to newer and better things, but they never quite explain how exactly to do that and that is what this CD is all about. I was totally interested because I agree I have no clue how to clear out my past issues and move on, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to buy the CD that night. I might download it and if so I’ll let you all know how it is. You can learn more about the CD or download it instantly for $25 here. I’m a total sucker for self help.
What do you think about my reading? Has a psychic ever told you something about your love life that came true?
Ok so this week I wanted to mix it up a little bit and since I’ve already given you suggestions on how to go from chatting to going on a real date on Tinder I figured I’d give you some suggestions on what to do on said date. These ideas aren’t just for first dates they work for any couple or they’re great activities to do with your friends too. They can also be generalized to other cities outside of LA. I have a lot of ideas for October/Halloween so these are pretty September-specific.
One thing about online dating that can be frustrating is finding people who actually want to go on a date! There’s only so many “Happy Hump Day!” messages one can get before becoming cynical. There are plenty of time wasters out there (both male and female) and if you want a pen pal they will chat with you about nothing at all for ages. If you want an actual date here are a few of my tips:
1. Guys: Don’t ask right away!! There is about 0 personal info on Tinder so if you ask right away you are saying that you don’t really care what the two of you have in common or if you click, you just want to see if you are physically attracted to them right away in person or if you will “feel chemistry”. Asking right away is a huge turn-off for me because it’s almost like the guy is playing a numbers game and just trying to go on as many dates as possible. You should spend at least a few minutes going back and forth in a conversation first before deciding if you want to ask them out! Guys who do this also tend to blame the girls on Tinder saying that none of them actually want to go on a real date, when in reality they are pushing all the girls away with their eager and non-discriminating approach to asking girls out. On a deeper level this makes me wary that a guy is going to objectify me. I’ve had plenty of seemingly nice, normal guys objectify me while dating. They constantly bring up aspects of this image of me that they want me to be (in very subtle ways) vs. actually getting to know the person I really am. I think I can and will write an entire post about this!
2. After you’ve had a little back and forth banter, know what the person does for fun, if they live in a geographically desirable location relative to you (I think this is pretty key in LA), what they spend most of their time doing, and have a glimpse of their personality, bring it up! I’m old fashioned when it comes to this and I almost never ask guys out. I will, however, ask them if they’ve ever gone out with any girls on Tinder, what they think about online dating, talk about my interest in going out on a real actual date and spending time together, etc. This is the time for them to take the hint and ask you out. If they do not after a 2-3 days, or if a girl gives you a weird excuse and then won’t commit to a different plan, or if the person becomes a ghost then we come to our next tip:
3. Know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em! There are plenty of people on Tinder who like the idea of dating new people, but who aren’t actually open to it right now (like me)! These people have good intentions and are hoping that they’re going to find someone who interests them enough to bring them back into the dating world, but are not all in yet. If you feel like you have taken the time to get to know someone, have some things in common, seem romantically interested in eachother/are flirting and the guy doesn’t ask you out in under a week- move on! Block him/unmatch him if you have to. If they say they want to “grab drinks” or “hang out this weekend” and then fail to make a real plan, move on! Listen to Jay-Z “On to the Next One” and keep it moving. There are plenty of other great guys and girls out there and even though you think you may have found your perfect Tinderella, if they do not want to meet up then it is impossible for you to have a real relationship. Let go of your fantasy and find a real life human being who you can actually kiss!
Ah one of my least favorite date invitations right behind “When are we gonna hang out?” And “Let’s go (insert sporty or outdoor activity that involves me sweating) as one of our first dates!” Now this invitation may seem innocuous enough especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, but let me explain why I don’t like it: Continue reading →
What to write in that little blurb? Here’s some things to consider not writing:
1. “The baby in the picture is NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M A PROUD UNCLE OK STOP ASKING!!!!” – Woah calm down.
2. “I guess everyone is putting their heights? That’s like a thing? So here’s mine 5’5” – The reason why you need to put your height is because when you’re crouching down to pet a tiger or taking a shirtless bathroom selfie I can’t really get a gauge as to how tall you are/how much I’ll potentially be towering over you. As much fun as it is to try to figure out how many Axe body sprays tall you might be from the bathroom pic and convert that, I’d rather you take the detective work out of it and just tell me.
3. Ok those are all the tips you get because if you’re inspired to go on and on about how great you are or how much money you have or how much you hate sluts PLEASE do so we all know which way to swipe.