I really like the 5 Love Languages which is a book that talks about how we all wish to receive love in different ways (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch) and that is the way that we are also most likely to show our love. The problem is when you and your partner don’t have the same primary love language and you’re doing all of these things for them in your favorite love language and you don’t feel appreciated because they still don’t seem fulfilled. For example you could be making them breakfast everyday, taking out the trash, running errands for them and they’re still complaining that you never want to spend time with them. You think you’re showing your love doing all of these acts of service, but what this person really craves is for you to be spending quality time with them.
One love language that’s hard for some people to learn is Words of Affirmation. It’s easy enough to compliment someone with a “you look nice”, but if they are constantly flooding you with compliments and you’re not used to saying so many yourself it can feel uncomfortable when there’s that pause after they finish and it’s your turn and you just say “…thanks…” This is especially true if you grew up with a family that didn’t constantly give Words of Affirmation so you feel lost as to what this person wants you to say and very awkward and forced when trying to do it yourself. I think that giving compliments or words of affirmation is a muscle that you can strengthen through practice. Yes it will feel a bit forced at the beginning, but the “forced” part should be saying how you truly feel so it should not feel fake or inauthentic just a little uncomfortable as you get used to something new. Even I don’t always feel comfortable saying how I feel so I understand your pain.
A friend came to me this week with a question. He has been dating a great girl for 2 months and recently she confessed to him that she had to de-friend him on Facebook because he had so many pictures of his (recent) ex-girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend was so beautiful it was making her feel insecure. He assured her that the ex is in the past, he’s with her because he wants to be with her and she has nothing to worry about.
My 2 cents: I told him that while it’s not an ideal scenario at least she told him how she was honestly feeling instead of keeping it inside and acting weird in other situations where he would have no clue what was wrong (which the majority of girls would do in my opinion). I told him if it’s in the past and he doesn’t care, just delete the pictures! Save them in a hidden folder if you want the memories down the road, but for now take them off Facebook. If this relationship doesn’t work out because of this or for any other reason it’s not going to help him in future relationships to have tons of pictures of his ex on Facebook anyway. This is a time when they are trying to build trust and if he really doesn’t care he should be more flexible and more sensitive to her feelings.
I’ve been informally polling my friends on their thoughts on this and another said that this is a red flag and that you should be cautious dating someone this insecure and jealous. They said that they have pictures up of their exes and it’s just memories of the past and they are friends with their exes now so it would be weird if they took all the pictures down. I kind of think it’s a minor flaw in the grand scheme of things if the person is great in many other ways. Most of my girl friends say they do snoop Facebook to look at exes out of curiosity and while sometimes they feel insecure if they’re particularly beautiful, overall it just satisfies that curiosity and allows you a glimpse into your partners past without interrogating them or seeming too interested. Some even go as far as looking at exgirlfriend’s friends to see more pictures of said ex-girlfriend.
While scrolling through my own pictures I realized that I have pictures with a few exes, but they are buried within tons of selfies and pictures with friends and it’s hard to tell whether I’m standing next to a male friend or an ex. When I scrolled through the pictures my guy friend who had this issue in the first place’s pictures I realized that he had 70+ of this ex (they had dated for a few years) with him, with groups of friends, just by herself, etc. in his “Photos” aka no digging through old albums because he was tagged in all of these. Thinking back though, this guy showed me lots of photos in real albums of him as a kid and growing up the very first time I met him so maybe he is just a very sentimental person who likes to hold onto visual memories in the form of pictures?
Most importantly, he and I want to know what you think!! After a break-up do you delete pictures of exes? Untag? If you’re dating someone new and they made a comment would you delete the pictures of your ex? Would you think they were insane or it was a red flag that they were asking? Does it depend on if you really like the person a whole bunch vs. you’re not too sure about them? Please comment and let us know!!!
My best friend is obsessed with psychics. Recently she bestowed upon me the most LA invitation of all time- would I like to come to a psychic healing a cocktails event that will be at the 9200 Sunset building (the same building that is the location to celeb hot spots Boa and Soho House) and it will be filmed for an upcoming reality show. It sounded like fun so I was in. Before going I did a quick search online of the psychic Jusstine Kenzer and found that she had a 5 star rating on Yelp (which I regard very highly) with 62 reviews. I was impressed. I arrived to the event super early and while I was waiting for security to clear me up to the floor of the event, I’m pretty sure I saw Gerard Butler. It was either him or some other tall, handsome looking alcoholic. They buzzed me up and I was one of the first of about 40 well dressed pretty young girls who attended this event (with about 5 miscellaneous dudes). We took our seats and Jusstine announced that she would be both answering questions about what it’s like to be a psychic and how she gets her abilities as well as our personal questions about our future.
She began by taking the questions about being a psychic which I found interesting. She basically said her dad had some pseudo-psychic abilities that he kind of practiced with her growing up (i.e. he used to guess his customers played the piano, etc.). She then said in her 20s she moved into an extremely haunted house in the Haight Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco. She said she used to hear things banging around in the kitchen and wake up to all the pots and pans being lined up…creepy. Once she moved out of that place she visited a psychic to make sure that all of the spirits weren’t following her. She also has a thing against gypsy psychics and psychics that have neon signs which I guess stems from a long standing beef/turf war, I’m not really sure. All she said was that a gypsy took her for a bunch of money and then she somehow got the money back, but sadly she did not elaborate as to how this might have happened. She mentioned that she started out doing readings at a Halloween Horror Nights-esque event and the first people that came in for readings were gypsies who tried to trick her by asking about their dead friend as if they were alive. Jusstine immediately knew their friend was dead and viola the gypsies knew she was the real deal. She also said that she had the feeling that she had the gift for a long time before finally giving in and doing readings full-time. She said she can turn on and off the ability so it doesn’t just pop up when she’s on a date with someone new. She described it as her spirit guide connecting with whoever she’s reading’s spirit guide and they talk and she is given the info to pass along.
The way Jusstine spoke made me think she was really part-psychic part-therapist. This makes sense because according to her Yelp she is both a psychic and a Life Coach. She said an interesting bit about how when she gives readings that have bad or that have potentially bad parts in them she hopes that she is wrong, or that the person needed to hear that info in order to change the path they are on to avoid the problem. She talked a lot about connecting with your spirituality or higher power in order to clear out the bad things from the past and move on in the future. She also talked about how our past lives influence our current one just like how our past/our childhood affects us constantly in our choices. She had previously told my BFF in a private reading that the two of us (my BFF and I) met in a past life as vaudevillian circus performers. We had a lot of fun guessing which one of us was probably the bearded lady.
So people start asking their questions and this is LA so everyone is wondering about the future of their career. Lots of producers and actors asking which path they should take. My best friend begged me to ask about my love life so I gave in and jumped in line for my quick little reading. I asked Jusstine “what do you see in the future for my love life?” and she asked if I was seeing anyone right now or had questions about a specific person right now which I answered (truthfully) “no”. She then said I’m blocked right now and not in a good place to go out and meet someone because like attracts like so I will end up with someone else who is also emotionally unavailable. This made total sense to me and I agreed I do feel somewhat blocked especially after having this bad experience. This is also another way that I felt like she was similar to a therapist. She went on to say that I’m also having some kind of issues with my dad that are influencing my dating life. While I have plenty of issues, I wouldn’t include “daddy issues” in my own personal top 10 at least. I have a pretty solid relationship with my dad, but it’s not perfect. I wasn’t sure exactly what this meant, but I couldn’t rule it out completely as false or incorrect. She also told me that she sees me taking a more serious relationship step when I’m 32. She didn’t say if that meant I would get engaged or married at 32, but it kind of seemed like it was something in that ballpark. That also makes sense because I just turned 28 so it’s unlikely that I will be getting engaged or married before I’m 32. Overall I enjoyed my reading.
Another guy asked a question about his love life and mentioned Jusstine’s CD “Heal Your Relationship Space” and how it really helped him. Jusstine explained that people are always telling us we have to clear out the old bad stuff in order to newer and better things, but they never quite explain how exactly to do that and that is what this CD is all about. I was totally interested because I agree I have no clue how to clear out my past issues and move on, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to buy the CD that night. I might download it and if so I’ll let you all know how it is. You can learn more about the CD or download it instantly for $25 here. I’m a total sucker for self help.
What do you think about my reading? Has a psychic ever told you something about your love life that came true?
One thing about online dating that can be frustrating is finding people who actually want to go on a date! There’s only so many “Happy Hump Day!” messages one can get before becoming cynical. There are plenty of time wasters out there (both male and female) and if you want a pen pal they will chat with you about nothing at all for ages. If you want an actual date here are a few of my tips:
1. Guys: Don’t ask right away!! There is about 0 personal info on Tinder so if you ask right away you are saying that you don’t really care what the two of you have in common or if you click, you just want to see if you are physically attracted to them right away in person or if you will “feel chemistry”. Asking right away is a huge turn-off for me because it’s almost like the guy is playing a numbers game and just trying to go on as many dates as possible. You should spend at least a few minutes going back and forth in a conversation first before deciding if you want to ask them out! Guys who do this also tend to blame the girls on Tinder saying that none of them actually want to go on a real date, when in reality they are pushing all the girls away with their eager and non-discriminating approach to asking girls out. On a deeper level this makes me wary that a guy is going to objectify me. I’ve had plenty of seemingly nice, normal guys objectify me while dating. They constantly bring up aspects of this image of me that they want me to be (in very subtle ways) vs. actually getting to know the person I really am. I think I can and will write an entire post about this!
2. After you’ve had a little back and forth banter, know what the person does for fun, if they live in a geographically desirable location relative to you (I think this is pretty key in LA), what they spend most of their time doing, and have a glimpse of their personality, bring it up! I’m old fashioned when it comes to this and I almost never ask guys out. I will, however, ask them if they’ve ever gone out with any girls on Tinder, what they think about online dating, talk about my interest in going out on a real actual date and spending time together, etc. This is the time for them to take the hint and ask you out. If they do not after a 2-3 days, or if a girl gives you a weird excuse and then won’t commit to a different plan, or if the person becomes a ghost then we come to our next tip:
3. Know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em! There are plenty of people on Tinder who like the idea of dating new people, but who aren’t actually open to it right now (like me)! These people have good intentions and are hoping that they’re going to find someone who interests them enough to bring them back into the dating world, but are not all in yet. If you feel like you have taken the time to get to know someone, have some things in common, seem romantically interested in eachother/are flirting and the guy doesn’t ask you out in under a week- move on! Block him/unmatch him if you have to. If they say they want to “grab drinks” or “hang out this weekend” and then fail to make a real plan, move on! Listen to Jay-Z “On to the Next One” and keep it moving. There are plenty of other great guys and girls out there and even though you think you may have found your perfect Tinderella, if they do not want to meet up then it is impossible for you to have a real relationship. Let go of your fantasy and find a real life human being who you can actually kiss!
Ah one of my least favorite date invitations right behind “When are we gonna hang out?” And “Let’s go (insert sporty or outdoor activity that involves me sweating) as one of our first dates!” Now this invitation may seem innocuous enough especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, but let me explain why I don’t like it: Continue reading No, I Don’t Want to Grab a Drink→
What to write in that little blurb? Here’s some things to consider not writing:
1. “The baby in the picture is NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M A PROUD UNCLE OK STOP ASKING!!!!” – Woah calm down.
2. “I guess everyone is putting their heights? That’s like a thing? So here’s mine 5’5” – The reason why you need to put your height is because when you’re crouching down to pet a tiger or taking a shirtless bathroom selfie I can’t really get a gauge as to how tall you are/how much I’ll potentially be towering over you. As much fun as it is to try to figure out how many Axe body sprays tall you might be from the bathroom pic and convert that, I’d rather you take the detective work out of it and just tell me.
3. Ok those are all the tips you get because if you’re inspired to go on and on about how great you are or how much money you have or how much you hate sluts PLEASE do so we all know which way to swipe.
This was a real conversation I had with someone several months ago…
Tip#1 Have some self-awareness. If this dude replied and said he was referencing the Jeopardy skit from SNL that would have been one thing. If you’re a grown up you can be silly, but avoid anything too immature (i.e. 420, 69, Barbie, sexy etc.)
Tip#2 Don’t use the same username that you use for other non-dating websites! This was a big mistake that I made and some guy messaged me and let me know that if you google it, a lot of personal info comes up. Think: your youtube history, those comments you left on a grad school forum, your gamer profile, etc.
Tip#3 If you’re totally out of ideas just go for something simple like your first name and some numbers. Or a gender neutral hobby (I would never make one like “MakeupGirl” because no dude is interested in that).
Tinder is great I met one of my boy BFFs there and dated a couple of other Tinder matches. It IS possible to get a relationship out of Tinder if that’s what you’re looking for. These are a couple Tinder tips if you’re looking for more than just a hook-up. If you’re just using Tinder for entertainment then you just keep doin you boo.
1. Your first meeting shouldn’t be you going over his place to “hang out” I don’t care what movie/liquor/video game he has to lure you in with he has to get off his ass and take you somewhere public for your first date. Continue reading Tinder Tips→
Everyone loves to complain about LA traffic. Before I moved that’s what people would want to talk about “you’re moving to LA? I couldn’t handle that much traffic I’d go crazy!” In situations like this I always try to expect the worst so if traffic is anything less than soul sucking and completely insane I’ll feel pleasantly surprised. Another way I combat traffic is by listening to good podcasts. A podcast is like your favorite talk radio show that you can customize to your interests that updates weekly straight to your phone. Here are my top 5 favorite on dating, relationships, and sex.
“Dan Savage, America’s only advice columnist, answers your sex questions and yaps about politics.” This podcast is definitely sex-talk heavy, graphic, and NSFW, but it is awesome. Dan Savage keeps it real and has honestly opened my mind and changed my views on stuff like the realities of long term monogamy, being more sex positive (or GGG), and “a relationship is not a deposition.”