Not Every Girl Wants a Tiffany Box

I was rushing to get ready for my date and throwing a few things in my clutch. “Shit” I thought in a panic, where had I put my ID? There’s no way I can go on this dinner date without having at least 2 glasses of wine. The first date was bad enough, but I wanted to give this guy a second chance in case he was just nervous… I find my ID and he calls to let me know that he is downstairs to pick me up.

I get in the car and put on a smile and say hello. I’m greeted with a blue Tiffany & Co. box pushed in my face. “Open it! Open it!” he insists “I couldn’t wait to give it to you!” The panic strikes again. “Umm you didn’t have to do this it’s WAY too much. I can’t accept this” I plead, but he makes me open it.

I slowly take the box and the analytical lady in me notices that a) there’s no white ribbon and b) it’s not in a gift bag. I open the box and it’s a sterling silver charm bracelet. It’s the kind that was very popular 15 years ago that was THE item to have in middle and high school. “Thank you, but this is way too much I can’t accept this” I say as I try to hand it back to him. He takes it and puts it on my wrist and I know that this fight is futile so I say thank you and smile for real this time because this is so crazy that I find it amusing.

I met this guy while walking to my car on a day that I was feeling particularly optimistic and open to something new. I was coming off of my break from dating online and I knew I needed some practice being friendly and open to dating someone.

When I met him he said to me in a sing-song-ey way “My head’s in New York, but my heart’s in LA. The weather is good and the traffic is bad.” and other canned sayings he had obviously said a million times. We all have those so it was no big deal. Then he came to pick me up and he repeated that saying again almost immediately and verbatium “My head’s in NY, but my heart’s in LA. The weather is good and the traffic is bad.” He had a million of these it was like he was speaking in bumper stickers. He was talking the entire time, but never actually SAID anything.

He barely asked me anything more than shallow questions about myself and didn’t ask any follow-up questions. For example when I told him I had a DATING and beauty blog he didn’t ask what it was called or if I was going to write about him. He probably wasn’t even listening.

Here’s some more interesting parts of these dates:

• He referred to himself as “The Cheesecake Factory Connoisseur” and while at The Cheesecake Factory he made a big deal about tipping our waiter 100% by saying it loudly over and over, asking the waiter if he saw it and liked it, and showing me the bill. Now I’m all for someone that treats service people well, but this was so tacky and embarrassing.
• He told me several times another one of his favorite bumper sticker-esque sayings “I think a man should wear the belt and the woman should wear the barrettes” meaning he believed in traditional gender roles.
• In a similar vein he told me several times that I need to put myself out there and try to be a model or an actress. While this is a very nice compliment, I had to remind him over and over that I have my dream job in an extremely fulfilling career that took an immense amount of schooling and studying. I also have never had the urge to be a model or an actress, so it’s not like I’m not pursuing my dreams.
• He had inherited a family business and told me he did not like to get up before 10am (he was in his mid 30s). I would ask him what he had done that day to try to get an idea of what his day-to-day life was like and he would say things like “Ugh today was so busy I talked on the phone to my friends then talked to my sisters.”
• When a homeless person walked by he told me he thought that people who are drug addicts just need to go back to their families and apologize and go to rehab. Then they don’t have to be homeless. Problem solved!
• On the second date after giving me the bracelet he asked me if I liked diamonds and what my ring size was several times. Then he asked what cut of diamond I liked and even had me look at the different ones on a website on his phone.
• Another bumper sticker saying about dating he liked was “I’d rather spend $10,000 than $100,000 I don’t want to date a girl that wastes my time.” He also told me some bizarre story about taking a girl to Vegas and paying and then on the drive back asking her to get him a cup of coffee. When she refused he called her father to tell him how terrible she was and that she had to get her own ride back to LA.
• He asked me if I was bisexual and I said “No, why? Does that matter to you?” He told me he didn’t want to date a bisexual girl and then told me a 15 minute story in explicit detail about an ex-girlfriend that had cheated on him with a woman. When he started telling the same (extremely inappropriate) story on the second date I tried to stop him and let him know I had already y heard it and he got upset and told me to let him finish it so I had to sit through it twice.
• He told me how much one of the charms on the bracelet costs.
• He told me he only went to big chain Chinese restaurants because smaller ones use dog and cat meat.

So because being a sexist, racist, homophobic misogynist is a deal breaker for me no matter how much food or jewelry you buy me, after the second date I texted him to let him know that I was not interested. Here’s how that went:

He texted me back SO FAST asking for that bracelet! I said sure I’d send it back and I didn’t realize leaving things at Kinkos was like a thing people do? Same with offering ‘your hand in friendship.’

And here I am asking a few more times for the address… “kiddo” is so creepy and infantilizing.

Nothing creepy about “I enjoyed feeding u”…. I asked him over and over what he did all day and you think “working on the grand opening of my restaurant” would have come up!!! Not once did he mention it until these texts and he talked on and on about how he was a Cheesecake Factory Connoisseur.

I never checked my bushes for the $100 bill because he never sent me the address! Maybe he realized that he had re-gifted that bracelet for the last time. He never actually told me the bracelet was regifted, but here’s a picture of it:

Looks like one of the charms is missing to me….

Ok so I’m sure this guy thought he was being a perfect gentleman and sweeping me off my feet on the most incredible romantic two dates of my life, so I don’t want this to just be negative. Here’s a few things we can learn from these dates:

1. If someone makes you uncomfortable do not go on a second date with them.

2. Girls like presents, but a $500 gift from Tiffany on the second date is completely inappropriate even if you’re Donald Trump. Girls want Tiffany & Co. boxes, but not on a second date.

3. Also remember guys- giving a girl a gift does not ensure a future date with her (although some may go on more dates because they feel obligated). Don’t give a girl a gift you would want them to return. Don’t lead with your money and you won’t find yourself dating girls who are only interested in what you can buy for them.

In related news I’m listing this bracelet on Ebay so check it out if you have like a 15 year old niece or a Bat Mitzvah you need to buy a gift for. If you mention this post to me I will ship it (domestically) for free or give a discount for international shipping. By the way, it was Ebay’s idea to start the bidding at $69.

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