I have learned a whole lot about dating in the past few years and now I want to pass along some of that knowledge. What exactly is a “Future Faker” you ask? Ever meet a guy that seems too good to be true? They’re super into you and go on and on about all of the fabulous things the two of you are going to do in the coming days, months, years, etc.? On the extreme end they may even talk about your wedding, marriage, or future children within the first few dates. You may think “Finally! I’ve met someone who I’m super into and here they want to spend time together and do all of these awesome things with me!” Ever wonder what it means when a man like that then disappears and you never do any of the stuff they mention? Welp, gather round children and listen closely to this cautionary tale:
I will start by saying that this is not the first time this has happened to me (how could we forget the guy asking me my ring size on our second date), but it was the first time I recognized it before it was too late. I met a guy from a dating app a few months ago who was good looking, confident, and interesting. He had an awesome job, a great sense of humor and did charity work and we seemed to click immediately. I was excited because it seemed like there was some serious potential. Our first date was drinks and he asked me out again about a week later. For our second date I was going to meet him at his place and then we were going to walk to a close by restaurant for drinks and dessert. I like seeing a guy’s place it gives you a good insight to their day to day habits and frankly, if they are a grown up or not. His place was super nice and he had a bottle of wine ready to open when I got there. I quickly realized that my heels were NOT made for walking and it was going to be much more comfortable hanging out at his place drinking wine and talking on his balcony enjoying the view. We’re talking for a few hours during which he casually sprinkles in how he’s going to teach me how to ski in Big Bear, we have to try this restaurant, and a few other future “plans”. After a great conversation we make out for a bit and then I tell him it’s time for me to head home. He calls me an Uber and that’s the end of our lovely night.
Our night was great and after that friends asked me how dating is going and if I’d met anyone. I tentatively tell them I like someone, but I think he’s trying to trick me into having sex with him. “What do you mean?” they asked me. I tell them that I think he’s a Future Faker trying to fake intimacy to get me to feel more comfortable with him so I’ll sleep with him. They say well hopefully it’s not that, but it’s good that you’re being a little cautious. Now in the past with someone like this I would have thought that talking about the future is a great sign that a guy who said things like that is super interested in me. Now, especially after reading You Lost Him at Hello, I know to pump the brakes. It’s not that I don’t believe what guys tell me now, but I pay much closer attention to their actions.
This guy never contacted me again. We had a great date with good chemistry and talk of the future, and then I never heard from him. In the past I would have told myself that it was OK to reach out to him because our date was so great and clearly by talking about the future he was totally into me. Maybe he just was busy! Then I would have to experience a painful slow-fade or maybe an eternally unanswered text/be ghosted. This would confuse me further as I would ask myself what went wrong!? I’d blame myself and wonder how I messed things up (again). These days I know if a guy doesn’t contact me he’s not interested in me! It’s just that simple. No matter what he said in the past or what “plans” he made with you it does NOT matter. His actions are saying loud and clear “JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.” No need to torture myself by trying to keep something going that has come to an end.
If you’re not sure if a guy is a Future Faker or just totally enamored with you, wait him out. Have things go slowly and wait to see if he does what he says he will do. He should be making reservations at that restaurant he said you two HAVE to go to and asking you when you’re available for that ski trip and sending over Airbnb links of possible cabins. If you find yourself dating people who seem like they want a relationship and a future with you then sleep with you and disappear, I hope these words of advice help you avoid being in the same situation again. Remember, it’s not your fault he lacks integrity. This is a huge red flag do not hold on to that mental image of “who you thought he could be” because that person does not exist. Here’s some more information from a website I really like about Understanding Why You Find It Hard To Get Over Someone That Future Faked and Fast Forwarded if you want to read more about this topic!